You feel that everything is going against you and you are worn out and exhausted by all the conflict and quarrelling. You are trying to protect yourself but at the same time you are hiding your feelings, hoping that by so doing, you can avoid exposing yourself to attack. Hopefully this will give you the chance to get on with your life. Nevertheless, you should be very careful to try to avoid stirring up any opposition which might endanger your plans:

Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception. You are an extremely emotional person - so much so that 'the wrong word' can lead you to tears. You feel other people's pain. You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow. You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.

You have a high opinion of yourself. It is perhaps because of this self-centredness that you become exasperated when you feel that your needs are misinterpreted by those around you. When this happens - and it does quite often - you feel that there is no-one that can understand the way you feel and it is because of this egocentric self that you are quick to take offence.

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You vehemently resist any form of pressure from outside sources, insisting on your independence as an individual. You want to be a decision maker - to make up your own mind without interference. You wish to be able to draw your own conclusions and arrive at your own decisions. You detest uniformity and mediocrity as you want to be regarded as one who gives authoritative opinions. Your favourite expression could well be that 'I may not always be right but I am never wrong'. You're a perfectionist and even though you may feel that the other person's point of view may be right, you find it extremely difficult to admit that you could be wrong.

It is strange that the anxiety that you are experiencing at this time is of your own making simply because of your desire to be respected by your fellow man and with those whom you work with. You are not satisfied. The normal congenial 'you' is becoming quite introverted. This is becoming increasingly more obvious because you seem to shy away from participating in everyday activities. You are refusing to allow yourself to become involved or to participate with others and it is the reluctance to communicate that is the inherent cause of your problems.

i never write in this anymore. i hardly write in opendiary. maybe i should start writing again. there would be a lot to catch up on.

it's been a long time.

it's hard because i'm so used to running on a whim.
it's a tough choice to decide when it's appropriate.
it's interesting how things jump in, fade, conflict, and change.
i almost despise myself for this.
seriously.


so much going on. so much to say. so much so much so much so much so much aaahhh.

I made this thing that was in German. I thought it was a little bit neat. ( Here you go! )

Battle of the Bands was much more intense than I expected it to be. Seriously. They had everyone check their bags in, for safety and anti-substance reasons. There was a band from Bullhead, not so hot. A band from Tempe, pretty good. They're about to go on tour. Then Mountainface, Matt Stagner, Quenton, Jeff. I don't really remember what they played, but they were good. Then Jonathon Thomas & the Jiggawatts, also including Jeff Cummins, Richard Bullen, and Mark Little. Not bad. They covered "All My Lovin'" and had two original songs, with harmonica! Business As Usual, fronted by Bobby Rodriguez [Alyssia's little brother], some other guy, and Austin and Dillon. Everyone loves Austin. They were good, Bobby is a little bit full of himself, though. Austin sang a song he wrote, audience complete with waving cell phones. Don't remember the other songs. Then..

THE MIGHTY BEAVER.
That's right.

So Alex is standing in the aisle and the spotlight goes on him. He raises a flag with a beaver on it to some fanfare music. The curtain opens after he makes his way onto the stage, and who is their front man? None other than Carlo! Crazy stuff. Also, Stuart Watkins on guitar, Richard on guitar/bass, Taylor on guitar/bass, Alex on drums/vocals, Carlo on drums/vocals. They were pretty much amazing. I can't remember the first song they played, second was the New Found Glory version of Iris. Amazing, really amazing. Then My Friends Over You. They all had chemistry on stage, they sounded good, they moved well. My favourite. They definitely deserved the first place that they got.
Second was Mountainface. Third, JT & the JWs. It was neat.

I'm at Jennifer's right now. It's about one in the a.m. and I don't think I could sleep yet. I wish I had remembered to bring my gameboy. And some Arrowhead water. Oh well I guess. I've got the internet and my phone/mp3 player. I'm going to wake up at eight in the morning. Which is seven hours away right now, so if I'm not tired before two, that's when I'm going to try to make myself sleep. I'm really excited about tomorrow. Another thing I want to do tomorrow is write a letter to Ryan, my cousin.

So it's been awhile since I wrote that, I was myspace-in' it up yo. Janice is here, sleeping on the couch. I wish she wasn't sleeping. I feel like there's nothing much left to do on the internet, so I think I'll try to sleep now, or read something, or text James. Either way. The end.

I have big plans.
I have big hopes.
For once in my life, I am too afraid to find out what I know deep down.

The swing dance was a whole lotta fun. I don't have many pictures, but a few. I promised Tegan I would take some for her. She was supposed to be my date, but she was sick. It would have been a lot more fun to have her there, but it wasn't bad at all.
My favourite person to dance with was Zac. I didn't even know he was there til almost the end. I saw him a lot before that, but he definitely didn't look like himself. He was dressed very well for the occasion. His leather jacket smelt good. And ya know that dance commercial, the clip of the swing dancer who was all into it and happy? That's what he reminded me of. It was neat.
Ryne was a very good leader, especially for the pretzel. So it was neat dancing with him, too.

The played ska music. Taylor won the YMCA competition for the second year in a row. Ozzy made a fool of himself. Twice. My favourite part was the end. I was much better at dancing this year.

So Tuesday was the band concert. It was alright. Went to IHOP afterwards which was even less alright. But neither was bad. I loved getting to see Megan. And Tegan. I want to see Tegan a lot more. I want to talk to her tomorrow, for sure. I wish there hadn't been that gap in us being close. I brought her flowers tonight because she couldn't go to the dance, it looked like she was going to cry. I want her house to be like my home again. I want her to be like a sister again.

Thursday, last night, was Taylor's Eagle Scout Court of Honour. That was really great. I had to miss Film class for it, but totally worth it, of course. My professor told me I was a great student when I went to talk about missing class.
Four members of the Air Force were there to do "Colors," stuff with the flags. They were really intense and I'm sure he was really happy they were there. There were a bunch of speakers/presenters. One of them talked about the Mormon Batallion Trail. That was a neat story. I think it would be fun to hike on it. He spoke. And it's easy to see that he's grown a lot in the past few years. It was a great ceremony.

Tomorrow is the Battle of the Bands, which I'm hoping will be decent. I know of four bands that I'll be supporting. Normally, I probably wouldn't go to something like this for a high school, but ya gotta show that support yo.

Sunday I'm going to church. I'm sure a lot of people will be surprised. I'm going to start working on my personal progress again. Yeah, I know I'm eighteen, but it's never too late. You should have seen his eyes when I told him. We're going to talk about some things after services. I'm excited. Really.

I can't wait to talk to Tegan about everything. I don't know what else to say.

"why do i still come to these things?"
"because you care about us."

=(

Found out what that note meant. Apparently five big utility trucks drove up onto my street and parked in various places near my house. Some neighbor ran outside with a phone. Briefly after, they all left. She didn't want me to let any trucks part on the driveway.

I got my student financial aid check today. Definitely was surprised with the amount I received. I got so much, I kinda feel vulnerable posting it on the internet. =/ Let's just say I was able to by some quality sandals for the warm season, a new cell phone, two cds, some food, set a few hundred aside for car expenses for the next few months, and still have a few hundred spending money. It's spectacular.
This makes me feel a lot less stressed about getting a job here. I don't know what happened with Burger King, even Faith [a friend and manager] doesn't know why the general manager didn't call me. I had her, another employee, and another manager rooting for me. Huh.
I want to call Cinemark in Mesa at some point in time to bring up my application. I really want a job there.

So yeah. New phone. I extended my service contract for two years. In six months I can remove my mother's name from the account, but until then I am an authorized account member, so I can make payments and whatnot. With the contract, the phone cost me about fifty dollars. This is it. I'm pretty excited. It was in Bullhead, so I'll be able to pick it up tomorrow [today?] after noon.

I hate that I've remembered Brian's birthday for awhile, but that I completely spaced Bryan's until it was too late. I think he got a bit upset about that. Due to the fact he even talked to me that day.. and I said nothing. I suck. Apologized.. but he didn't reply. I don't get him at all anymore, though.

I went to the Hualapais yesterday and made an adorable snowman. I'd add a picture, but I don't want to. Too busy uploading pictures to myspace. I named him Greggory. I put way too much work and heart into him, I think. But it's worth it because he's beautiful.

At Hastings tonight, I wanted to buy a Disturbed cd to celebrate the money. I bought The Sickness. I was looking through the Goo Goo Dolls cds because we were standing by them.. and what do I see? SUPERSTAR CARWASH. I've looked everywhere for it. It was used, of course, so it was cheap! OF course I couldn't pass it up. Now I have six of their cds. So now they're beating New Found Glory. I'm happy.

Walmart ran out of Starburst Jellybeans. It's a tragedy. I love Easter candy.

I asked my cousin tonight in a myspace comment if he wanted to write letters back and forth. I'm pretty sure he's still living at home, so it'd be really convenient. I can tell them all about moving and what really goes on here and all sorts of stuff. And hear what they're all up to. I hope he's into the idea.

I really want to remember to invite Megan to Shane's movie night tomorrow. I never see her, and this could be fun. I also need to ask him if there's wireless internet access at his grandparents' house, because I need to find time to complete my Geography exam on Middle America by midnight tomorrow night. I totally meant to read the chapter, too. Blah. Maybe there will be time between swimming and movies.

It's far later than it should be, I think I should try to sleep.

Hey, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium is on dvd soon. That's not what this entry's about, but it just said so on the tv. I think that's at least a little interesting. That was the first free movie I saw while working at the movies.

Anyhow.
This was on a post-it note.

"Samantha,

Something is going on - next door, Please watch, for me.
NO heavy trucks on the driveway.
Mom."

I don't get it.

No call from Subway. I've been really depressed all day about that. I have no idea why she wouldn't hire me. My application was spectacular. She seemed to love me in the interview, she liked my personality, and she told me all about Subway benefits and how we live down the street from each other. She was hiring four people. I guess I wasn't good enough, but what else is new?

On the bright side, though - Cameron texted me today. That lasted about two hours, sixteen texts each way. It really lifted my spirits to get a text out of the blue from him. I swear he says "lol" at least four times an hour, though. Whatta nerd. OH I MEAN ... what a legendary, cool, awesome, black man.... haha, yeah. It's neat. Really neat. I'm glad he's in my life, he's a really nice boy.

I guess my next option is to apply at Carl's Jr. They always have the "now hiring all positions" sign up. I can't believe the lack of jobs in this town. The only place left hiring is probably McDonald's, and that's still questionable. And who wants to work there? But alas. I don't know what to do. I was so hopeful about that Subway position.

There's the new theatre thing.. but first of all, that's really sketchy. And second, I doubt he'll even be calling us until summer, which will be too late for me.

Oh. Obviously, I changed my layout. I'm very happy with it. I'm currently working on the user info. I've got things positioned how I want them, but now I have to come up with clever things to say about myself in the neat little box I got goin' on.

I love Minus the Bear.
A lot.

I think I am going to be up late. On purpose this time. I want to take a shower. I want to read Harry Potter. I want to write lots of things. I want to listen to lots of Minus the Bear. I want lots of Tabitha! I don't know where she is. Not laying on my floor like usual. Also I want food. Blaaarggaeeehh. Yeah.

Group work is lame. My english teacher insists on at least two group activities per day apparently. Why not just test us? It's better to give us tests than to let us rely on others to do most of the work for us. I wrote some stuff down during class today. It seemed very poetic and deep, mostly I think it was sad. But still good thoughts. I need to start bringing my journal with me places again.

I want to be really different when I move. Still me, of course. But different. Better.
I've said enough for now, I think. Hopefully if I accomplish anything [remotely] worthwhile tonight, I'll write something for my userinfo. And not be too crestfallen to read The Goblet of Fire.